Monday, January 26, 2015

"COMING UP NEXT ON THE ELLEN SHOW..."


This actually started out as a wall mount media cabinet for a client.
 One of the components for the cabinet was too deep.
Shit happens, it wasn't anyones fault, but when life hands you lemons...make beef stew.
 Instead of letting it sit there or chopping it up and using it for something else, I decided to expand on it.
 There were a bunch of 2" square stock scraps from a sign that the guys I work with are making, so being the cockroach that I am, I used those scraps for a set of legs.
 I came up with a cool way to mount the legs, and it got my brain thinking that if I had one piece of machinery, I could do a website and just sell table legs to all the D.I.Y moms out there so they could complete their little projects while the kids are at school and "WOW" their friends with their craftiness. I'm a pretty helpful kind of guy, but fuck em', let them figure out how to turn grandmas underwear drawer into a coffee table on their own.
 At the end of it all, this was a rectangle with cool legs, and angle iron scraps...not really a show stopper. I went back into the dumpster and salvaged a couple of crates that were thrown out from an evicted tenant in the building.
 Like I said before, I'm a helpful kind of guy, and I probably offended a slew of stay at home moms who are addicted to HGTV, so I'm gonna teach you how to make new wood look like it's 80 years old in 5 minutes by using the same method I used to age these crates.
 Get yourself some walnut tinted Danish oil and a can of ebony stain.
DO NOT shake or stir the ebony stain, let the pigment fall to the bottom of the can. Dump the Danish oil in a cup, then add the undisturbed ebony stain at a ratio of 2 parts to 1. Dip a brush in said mixture and slather it upon your piece. Take a rag and rub where you think natural fading would occur and let dry...that's it. You're welcome.
 My mom called me at work to tell me that Ellen Degeneress was doing a show on tv about regular Joe's making furniture, and she insisted that I submit my work for the networks consideration.
 Could you imagine me on TV?
"Mr. Breclaimed, this is a very interesting table, can you tell me about it?"
"Abso-fucking-lutely I'll tell ya about it....so..the gas company tore a giant fucking hole in my street in which when I peered into this crater, I could see fucking China. Anyway, they dropped off a giant pallet of hickory and oak posts to shore up the hole, and since they spent the next 3 days just staring into the hole and not doing any work...I stole as much wood off the pallet that I possibly could. When I took this newly re-purposed wood to the shop, I proceeded to cut my mortises with a circular saw that had been clearly left outside for the last 30 years because the rusted blade would barely rotate. Then I couldn't find a god damned chisel, so I proceeded to use my speed square to clean the mortise, and blammo...instant table, not bad for a piece of shit eh, you old dancing fool."
 So mom, I'm gonna save you the embarrassment and keep my Frankenstein looking ass off of the television.
 To sum it all up, I had fun turning an honest mistake into a media cabinet.
Fun and learning. That's what I personally got out of this piece
 And that's enough for me.

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