Monday, March 21, 2016

BULL IN A CHINA SHOP


Last Friday I came face to face with tragedy.
 I woke at my usual ungodly hour, stumbled into the pantry, knocked over half of the pantry's contents, retrieved the coffee grounds, and proceeded to prepare my morning coffee.
 This is a ritual that has taken place for as long as I can remember, but this particular morning would place me in harms way.
 I heard a strange sound as I patiently waited for my black water brew, only to discover that the water I had poured into my miracle machine, was now waterfalling from the counter on to the floor.
 Game over...coffee machine dead...what do I do? WHAT DO I DO!!!!!
I rigged up a little pour over thingy, like I've seen those bearded freaks do at those $4 a cup coffee shops, and managed to get through my day, but the evenings mission would be to procure a new miracle machine.
 Coffee machines have come a long way since I was last in the market for one.
I was lured in by the design and function of these machines. They have some that make one cup at a time, with these cute little containers of coffee grounds that you pop in and within seconds, you're sipping a hot cup of Joe....that's real cute, but I need one that can pop out 8 to 10 cups at a time.
 I saw one that I can sync to my IPAD...I'm not that lazy, nor do I want big brother to be aware of my coffee addiction.
 There was a kind chubby man, who was doing a product presentation of a beautiful, and very complicated looking machine. His sausage like hands did a ballet over the levers and buttons as he produced several different variations of coffee-ish drinks. He even let me try one (which was quite tasty). He sparked my interest like a drug dealer on the playground offering up the first bag of dope for "free". I came to find out that this wonderful machine doesn't actually make coffee....it can make me an "Americano". OK, cool, can it make me 8 to 10 "Americano's"? No it can not and with a $799 price tag, Mr. Fatty-Fatty can go fuck himself.
 My quest landed me at Target, where sitting upon a mostly bare shelf, was a $15 coffee machine that looked pretty much exactly like the one that provided me with my morning crack for the last 5 years.
 But with all those cool fancy coffee machines (some of which that don't actually make coffee) I chose the machine that best represents ME.
 Simple, effective, functional, unwavering in it's directive.
I went to the shop Saturday morning to create a nice little rustic surrounding for my new doppelganger.
 Since me and this coffee machine are so much alike, it would only be fitting to surround it in a environment much like the one I have created for myself.
 I even let my son pick out a new coffee ground container for the top shelf so that I'm no longer destroying our pantry like a bull in a china shop.
 Even my son selected a container that falls in line with my inner redneck.
With this new machine, everything in the universe is once again aligned.  

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